Reflections on Bill under the Oak Trees of Manresa

Each January I travel to Louisiana to attend a four-day silent retreat led by the Jesuits. I walk under 175 year old oak trees which pepper the grounds of the old plantation home. There are 110 other men, but I am alone with God. This past January was particularly moving for me. One of my best friends Bill committed suicide last year. I had been the last person to talk to Bill, and I had been the one who found him. Under the oak trees, God had me go back to the day I found Bill. God and I walked together through Bill’s house as the anxiety in me built. I found Bill out on his back deck with a gunshot wound to his chest. This time as I relived it, I looked over and saw Jesus looking back at me. Tears flowed as I stood underneath the oak trees. Bill told me he was considering suicide. I tried to talk him into seeing a counselor, but I did not take him to one. The guilt I felt and still feel sometimes is intense. But there on the grounds of the retreat house, Jesus comforted me. I wept with grief, with guilt, but then with thanksgiving over His love for me and how He has carried me. Nouwen (1975) says when we reach out to God and have Him in our heart, we will experience pain and love together. I experienced both that day under the oak trees.